Slipped Away...=(

I have so much to tell yet i can't find the words to describe the feelings... But, i try to write it here in my blog...

Have u heard a song from Avril Lavigne entitle Slipped Away? The song really touched my heart. I teared up hearing that song and kept on replaying for like hours or so. That song really reminds me of my late grandfather who took his own life. =(... I missed him so much. I don't get the chance to say "i love u" to him because i always thought he would always be around. The part of the song which touched me a lot was;

I didn't get around to kiss you

Goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't

I remember him clearly in my head. The way he would play with his card, drank his coffee, smoked his cigarette and even the sound of the slippers while he was walking. I remember the day he bought his new bicycle which was pink & white in color and brought along a toy car for my little cousin. I always loved to sit beside him while he was playing with his card. He used to tell stories even he knew that i don't really understood what he was trying to tell. He thought me how he played with the cards. He even taught me over and over again to no avail. I would never understood. huhuhu...

How i wish i was old enough to understand that he was suffering from his disease until he couldn't take it. How i wish i could go back in time and save him. How i wish everything would be different. I never thought he was that weak back then. I should have known something was definitely wrong on that very day.

Few weeks before he commit suicide, he was admitted to the QEH because of his health problem. From what my mum told me, he was suffering from Asthma & Bad Gastric(Dugal). He was supposed to stay few days at the hospital, but he refused to. He never said anything about his illness. He never complained. I always remember how he forced me to drank the traditional medicine when i was sick. I was diagnosed with Asthma as well when i was still a kid. I guess i inherit the disease but now it was gone. Thanked God.

I was the 1st one who saw him lying there motionless. I went blanked. I didn't know what to think or do next. All i did was warned my sis and my cousin to ran back to the house. My Aunt was crying as well as my sis and cousin. I was so shocked. I didn't cried. I didn't cried at all except the time i saw them closed the coffin cover and i was told that we never could see him again. I cried for him, and for his decision. We lost him. I hate to see the rifle. I never see the rifle again after that day. I never ate "bundu" for a very long time since he passed away. Everything reminded me of him. He died the day we went for "mokiung bundu".

I hate him for doing that yet i loved him so much. I could only pray to GOD so that God could forgives what he had done. I missed his presence. I dream about him sometimes. How i wish he was still alive and be with us throughout the years. May His Soul Rest In Peace. Amen.